Autism origins?

I was thinking recently that the reasons autism has so many different facets that can be studied is that it needs to be triggered in the brain by an external force. There are lots of people who seem autistic but are not diagnosed. We all have different neurology but only some get problems during there lifetime. I think a certain type of brain is more prone to autism but without the environmental factors present it doesn’t develop into that.

I think childhood isolation in terms of living in remote communities or having a very insular family helps autism to develop sooner. Low emotional intelligence in your immediate environment means less social skills, less communication skills and therefore your forced to develop your intelligence in order to have something to do. This develops the ego and the arrogance that comes with a pure focus on your own development. The older you get, the less flexible you become and your habits become more and more ingrained until that is all you are, a series of fixed routines.

Autism can’t be detected at birth but as soon as there personality starts to develop and they can communicate it can be tested for. A lot of children are found in early childhood but those that have more subtle forms like myself take longer to be discovered. This constant seeking a solution to why your child is different creates problems in the child as they don’t think there is anything is wrong with them until they have internalised your issues. Then you have a much bigger problem on your hands as they believe what you are constantly telling them.

I was also thinking that when your parent(s) has a problem that becomes part of who you are without you realising that. That is not you and your personality but because you were exposed to it so much as a child you absorbed it unconsciously. This is even worse when it’s an undiagnosed condition as you can’t even start to undo it without some serious introversion. When you do this anyway, you start overthinking as you have entered a Labyrinth that is very tricky to get out. Perseus needed a ball of string to defeat the Minotaur and in Inception it was the silver spinning top.

Also, I was thinking that can be possible for many different diseases that people pick up along the way. They have the genes that cause complications like my husband having leukaemia but without the event that caused that defect to turn on it was just there.

As you can tell I had a lot of ideas swirling around my brain today that have only just coalesced into shape. It’s so hot right now that I can’t think during the day. It’s good for being at peace with yourself but not so good as issues can’t be addressed they just get submerged until it’s cooler then they re-emerge.

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Language problem solved

I finally figured out why I can’t speak – preciseness of language. I had this drummed into me as a kid. I lived on a farm as a child so had very little contact with people. When for the first couple of years all you speak to are your parents, occasional fishermen, perhaps the vet and your grandparents if they come to visit then of course you can’t speak properly. You don’t have enough practice with forming your words as you don’t even have a sibling to practice with as your the eldest. This is why you try to compensate when your brother turns up and has the same problem. You have already been through the same problem and your trying to rectifying it but your making him codependent on you as he isn’t old enough to talk yet and you are.

In order to speak correctly you need to be able to make mistakes. As a child you need to learn all the different sounds of your language in order to know which are the correct ones. If your not allowed this trial and error process then you stop speaking. Your linguistic and therefore social development is hampered by your parents whose own issues are preventing you from being all that you can be. They are creating major problems for you and themselves by expecting you to be a fully formed adult in terms of communication before that is possible.

I figured this out finally at dinner last night as I was trying to order a lamb chop but the Greek words are no longer on the menu to refresh my memory. I thought it was arnaki as it sounds like little lamb to me based on the words for little and lamb. It’s similar but it’s actually paidaikia. This is one of those many words that are confusing because if you get the stress wrong you order little children paidi akia instead of lamb chops pai diakia. I was also contemplating the fact that his children might be coming to visit us soon so I can’t get away with speaking English as there too young to know any at 6 and 3 I think but I’m not sure as I haven’t meant them yet.

These mini crisis are important as they show up the problems that were created in your childhood that you are no longer aware of as it was so long ago. I was first alerted to this when my husband’s best friend changed partners and started bringing round their children. I had previously avoided all children like the plague because they made me uncomfortable. They reminded me of my own inability to have them. They also represented change which I can’t handle unless I’m in a relaxed, open frame of mind.

Know thyself

For a person that has spent so much time time studying everything about Greece I didn’t until very recently know myself!

I had very carefully lost and hidden little parts of my soul all over the place very much like Voldemort did with his horcruxes. I had to turn detective to track down what these items were and were they were located to track them down. Just like In Harry Potter this involves the loss of life but this was in fact the one that I had created for myself and I needed to shed.

I have just started reading Codependent no more as I had identified myself as possibly suffering from this during Lockdown. The book took forever to turn up as I had accidentally ordered it from a thrift shop in the us on amazon so it needed to clear customs etc. This is an amazing book as I got stuck right in reading it. It’s life changing just like when you read the Power of Now or Metahuman/The Healing Self.

However the book I have decided to give up on after about 6 weeks is The Artists Way. This is a 12 week program so it’s very slow going but I don’t identify with it very strongly. It only vaguely speaks to me. Going on Artists dates is practically impossible if you start during Lockdown but I will say that the morning pages have been amazing for me. I write diary articles in addition to this and I have found that I have been dormant at my in laws house for too long. I’m triggered too much there as I’m bored. I get no social interaction as I’m in the countryside isolated from everyone. This is not healthy for me. I need input from people to be able to grow but this stopped as soon as I graduated from uni.

It’s no good for me to spend 3 months at a time living with my in-laws. The winters are bad enough with the weather that I don’t need to be adding social problems and drunkenness to cope with this. Christmas ok that’s food, drinks, parties. We’re stopping that now though as there getting to the stage where we need to be doing this. I have thought for a couple years now we need to have a smaller gathering to make it manageable.I liked it to begin with as we never celebrated in my family but now it’s over the top. My brain decides to hibernate when I stay there as do I as a result. My weight always increases too which isn’t good as I don’t want to be losing my figure which I am right now.

I don’t know what I’m going to do about the future as I need to start living in my own home but I don’t have a life in either the uk or Greece due to my lack of working creditionals or children. All this moving about isn’t good for giving me a settled life either. Lockdown was good as nobody could do anything about it but now we need to be moving forward. I think this is maybe why the child hasn’t turned up because I stopped progressing in life.

Defragging my brain

During lockdown I engaged in a lot of self reflection and analysis through spiritual means. As you may know I painted extensively, took photos to document the changing landscape around me and watched a lot of informative documentaries on Netflix. In addition to this I also mediated, wrote a lot of diary entries and read self help books to assist me in my journey. I studied buddism, sufism (a type of Islam) and I got back to my roots with Christianity. This allowed me to process a lot of events and in the process removing a lot of deep seated anxieties that had been lurking in my brain for almost 30 years!

When reading up on attachment style on Wikipedia a lot of things started to make sense. I could see why I had done certain things and why certain things had happened as well as why certain things had persisted for so long. When you get the clarity that you so desperately needed it makes life a lot easier. You can see why socialisation was so difficult along with the eye contact and everything else that everyone takes for granted. I understood the reasons for not connecting with the people around me is because they are not my people. There is nothing wrong with either them or me but that magic just isn’t present.

Lockdown has made me realise how I had quarantined myself into a deep, dark hole whose only end was eventual suicide. It was my insecurities from my attachment style had caused a lot of problems in my life. I have only once before read an article that explained my life so well and that was the second language acquisition article which I also wrote about at length on here. This is why I have been so interested in sociology, anthropology, psychology, neuroscience and languages throughout my life so far for autism is not just a social communication problem but a developmental one too. This is not pleasant to admit that while you may have a good IQ score your other values are so far below what they should be you cannot function as a human being on your own without hurting yourself or others. This is why I couldn’t get a job of any description and volunteering was tough for me.

My life now makes me recall a lot of potent things from my Deepak Chopra 21 day abundance meditation course that I engaged in with a friend. It helped me enormously with the fact that my attitude to money was out of control which is why I never had any. My emotions also were running riot. They were controlling me so my life was happening to me instead of being run by me. This is why I was unpleasant at times to people for no reason cutting myself off from the world.

Also, it identified the relationship I had with my mother was not the best it could be. It helped me to realise that she had tried her best without any guidance on how to raise an undiagnosed autistic child just like I have tried my best to live my best life without help. She had issues that she hadn’t healed from just like I had. So it was good to connect with her and realise that our lives are not that different living with men who also have issues which may never be resolved due to their own stubborn unawareness.

I have now got quite adept at socialising and have learnt tact. I can also see that other people are just as flawed as I was before I started working so intensely on myself. The difference is they have gone back to their pre lockdown selves where I have had the opportunity to grow like a butterfly emerging from its cocoon. I feel sorry for those that have had to work all through lockdown but I appreciate their sacrifice. Without them we couldn’t have got through this pandemic. It’s not over yet but it never will be by the looks of things at the moment. People are still catching it in outbreaks all over the country left, right and centre. It’s just up to the rest of us to be vigilant and live our best lives while social distancing which is the best idea in the world.

Social distancing is awesome as you now have the perfect excuse to refuse hugs and kisses from those that you don’t like. All unwanted physical contact comes under Covid awareness. So does small talk with shopkeepers etc. I feel that I’m now more motivated to live life as places as not so noisy or filled with people so no one will bump into you. Going to the pub is strange but it makes you realise that meeting unknown people doesn’t have to always be bad. It can be quite enjoyable learning new things and that has been missing from my life for a long time. It had become stagnant so now hopefully I can refresh it with new friends and hobbies since I’m now able to communicate with others. I have a lot more energy now even though I still drink a lot as I have a high tolerance level now due to quarantine and a few extra pounds. Here’s to a new healthy lifestyle with less alcohol, more exercise in the good weather we have been having and more social events to attend.

Autism – Employability problems arising from Time and Money Management

Autistics are like children in how wilful they are as everyone knows regardless of whether they have personal experience or not. They are both dedicated to what they want to achieve, how and when but because they don’t/can’t prioritise it’s not always a good time so this creates issues. Dedication is a very important quality to have but it needs to be put to use in the right areas. Time management is an adult quality so challenging when they want to achieve something because it’s bed time for instance is reminiscent of those bed time battles you have with toddlers. Nobody wins here as it’s the immovable object vs the unstoppable force.

We know what we want but that’s not always a good thing. Delayed gratification is an adult skill so we either want nothing at all living a monastic life or are frivolous with our money because we want everything. This is why we often are bad with money as we haven’t learnt enough financial self control yet. We are great copiers also so we see everyone else involved in consumerism and think this is another way to fit in. It’s hugely damaging to us and the environment to behave in this way. Money is power and if your constantly giving it away to anyone who asks then you are diminishing yourself.

Autism can also be considered a throwback to an earlier time in human history because we don’t filter, have good social skills, have difficulty speaking and we are very instinctual. These are all qualities you would associate with prehistoric people. This hyperfocus on our interests however can be very useful though if your in the cattle industry like Temple Grandin is. It allows you to see things that others simply cannot see because there minds don’t work that way.

There are many different kinds of Autistics in the world just like there are many different kinds of people. Some of the common ones you come across are linguists, artists, gardeners, animal scientists, scientists and mathematicians. Artists need lots of time alone but they also need people where as scientists just need lots of time alone. People are optional to them. A partner and possibly a best friend are all that is required. This is of course generalising as some are introverts and some are extroverts. Some are even ambiverts. There are of course many other factors involved which would make this post tedious in the extreme if I was to go into them all.

There is room for all kinds in the world from Chris Packham with his animals as shown on British tv, Greta Thunberg with climate change shown all over the world and Daniel Tamnet with his number & linguistic skills. He proved that even though Icelandic is one of the hardest languages in the world due to its isolation; he learnt it within a week and had a conversation on live tv with native speakers. So every difference has a positive side which is often never seen.

Autistics, like kids are often creative idealists and dreamers. This is where meditation and journaling came be extremely helpful. It helps to channels there thoughts and ideas into order as frequently they are jumbled up. They have a unique grasp of the world which should be respected as they could possibly really change the world with one of them. They want to make the world a better place through there creations. Sometimes this is altruistic through empathy of which they often have in excess but this can seem egotistical if it comes out through numbers and structures. This is however what the world values so they will mould themselves to be likeable and appreciated even if this is not who they are.

Autistics are hyperaware of the world around them and there very conscious of the fact they don’t fit in. They know they are different to everyone else and this causes them discomfort. They may wish to mitigate these problems in many ways but these often reveals there true self and causes isolation. Since they are not money motivated and therefore cannot start there own business to take advantage of there creativity; there unique insights are often left to rot in their brains. As they are primarily ideas people this doesn’t get them anywhere in this modern commercial world. Often this leads to others who are much less scrupulous but with an eye for profit and innovation taking there ideas and making loads of money from them. This should be changed as inventors like Nikola Tesla are needed to continue the change our world is currently experiencing through the corona virus pandemic.

Why autistics have obsessions

Autistics like to perform deep dives and go into detail about obscure details. Everyone knows this. However, what people do not know is why autistics do this. They just think it’s a quirk of autism to get hung up on these things.

The autistic obsession is a way of controlling all of the input that you have to deal with in life. Right now the world is changing in quite a dramatic fashion. It wouldn’t surprise me if this is freaking out a lot of autistic people. We don’t like change because we have difficulty with processing all the possibilities of life. We like structure for this reason. With nothing changing there is no fear so life can continue as normal. This is a very debilitating way to live your life.

The autistic brain gets stuck on ideas that it has yet to process. This can take years for it to be done to their satisfaction. They do end though when enough information has been gathered and a decision has been made. The autistic brain is a conundrum because it’s childish in liking novelty but conversely having a strong dislike to new concepts without any apparent reason. This is usually a result of triggers residing in the brain that have been absorbed through there environment or carers but they themselves are unaware so they can’t be spoken. All you can see is the result of these hidden programs.

Autistics like animals because they like us are much more instinct driven. We don’t have filters so can make decisions based on all the information out there but this comes at the cost of movement and speech. Speaking is a highly cerebral activity. It is bound up with so many things it’s unbelievable. If we are choked up with a recent event we will not want to go anywhere or to say anything. Most people react to grief this way after the initial shock has passed but to us this kind of event lasts much longer. We need to examine everything in great detail. Also we have difficulty with processing emotions as we are not sure what they mean, where they come from or what to do about.

Recently I learnt that it was not in fact sulphates in wine that was making my eyes prick every time I drank it. It was in fact emotions bubbling up to the surface. I was noticing the change and now I know the real reason behind it. It was not square eyes from too much screen time which is another lesson in itself, dehydration which is self explanatory or lack of sleep which you can fix yourself.

I’m always searching for the truth, the real truth nothing but the truth. However everything is so nuanced that it can be difficult to find out what this is in constantly changing world. To separate myself from everyone in order to do this is not the answer. Finding mechanisms that allow me to participate in life while still being my self is the way to go.

My beautiful broken brain

Watching this on Netflix brings back a lot of memories of when I went through a similiarly traumatic experience. I am now more or less the same age as Lotje was when she went through the experience. I can really empathise with what she is going through because I understand the confusion. I know what it’s like not to be able to talk, to wonder what has happened to your life and to break down when you can’t do the simplest of tasks. I’ve done the exercises and felt acutely embarrassed that I’m doing activities fit for a pre schooler. It’s astonishing that such an incident can set you back so far in your development.

As I’m watching the video I’m remembering more and more about my own experience. I was hospitalised at the Wolfson Neuro Rehabilitation centre in Wimbledon. I think I was there for a week I don’t recall but I might have had visits in between. I remember my physiotherapist being called Adam and his assistant who was shadowing him at the time as he was a student nurse being named Massimo. Adam was English, about 25 and Massimo was Italian and about the same age. Miy roommate was called Katie. She was an English girl about my age who had fallen off her horse and severely injured herself. She was still horse mad though. I hadn’t thought about any of this experience until the video brought it back to me.

It’s amazing how similar her memory, her speech, coordination, sequencing ability, focus and maths ability is to how mine was. The absence of my previous mathematical prowess would not become apparent until I returned to school 9 month later. My writing ability improved to compensate for this loss but I think my reading ability is more or less the same as before. I did think about the correct way to read when I came across Temple Grandin’s book but I quickly overcome this with fervent practice. It is strange though that only just recently have I started writing by hand again which I haven’t done in such quantity since college because of the advent of technology and my spelling is becoming terrible!

Back in 2002 I didn’t have a smartphone to record my experience and I was only 17 so while Lotje is just recalling her previous abilities I hadn’t even started my working life so there is nothing to work with only school. This is why there are no work friends to assist me and why I’ve not been able to progress in this area. I have however been to UCL college in Queen Square, London just like she visits many times to have my autism tested.

As this is an incredibly emotional video – I was in floods of tears within 2 minutes and had to in fact watch this in pieces. It was far too emotive for me to handle in one sitting.I have left this link in case you want to read about it insteadLotje

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While reading a book on Blinkist called Help me! about a lady who tried every self help book going over a period of 18 months; it summarised Brene Brown. I had tried to watch her show on Netflix but couldn’t get through very much of it. I understood better from a couple of lines what she was trying to get across as I had been experiencing it too. I had been through all the phases so now it’s time to bounce back. She had also been to Tony Robbins who I also watched but couldn’t get on with either.

I recently learnt through reading Metahuman by Deepak Chopra that the reason I can’t remember my accident is it’s a side effect of the medication they use to resuscitate you. I think that’s a good trade off since it was such a traumatic occasion in my life. It’s one less scar to carry through your life and it’s nice to know that somebody else has been through something similar.

A mental health booklist

I’m developing a list of resources that you can use to make sure your life is exactly what you want it to be. These are mainly free resources as you don’t need further obstacles when you have decided that you need some me time.

I have started to use the Artists Way by Julia Cameron. This comes highly recommended by many famous patrons that have benefited from the information inside. It is also stuffed full of quotes from pretty anyone who ever lived that said something quotable. I have borrowed the book from my brother in law who didn’t like it as he said it was too simplistic. I can see what he means if I compare to Metahuman by Deepak Chopra but I think this is unfair since they are for completely different audiences.

I also have the accompanying workbook that he bought to see what if anything it does for me. The Artists Way is a 12 week course consisting of daily morning pages and artist dates amongst other activities. Morning pages are 3 pages of stream of consciousness writing to clear your mind for the day ahead. Artist dates are where you set aside time to indulge in culture. There are also other tasks such as reading as detailed in the book.

I have also ordered one of Melanie Beattie’s books on Codependent no more. I found the online version beneficial. Having now endeavoured to use technology less where possible, I now going to try to switch over to the paper copy. It provides space to write what you think about the daily devotional as it’s called. This allows you to develop your ideas about the concept better.

I have the Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle which was instrumental in me starting down this path and being that I now have a physical copy means I can read it and make notes where necessary. It’s so much easier to bookmark, read and absorb the information in a proper book rather than an e book. They may be more expensive and less portable but you get far more from them than their electronic copies.

In addition to these I have the Little Prince by Antione St Expury when I want something lighter and The Alchemist by Paulo Coehlo. Fiction is a necessary compliment to non fiction. There is something much more reassuring and relaxing for a bed time story in an actual book rather than a Netflix series or YouTube video.

Meditation types

Not all meditation is created equal. I have tried the most popular commercial apps that are around at the moment – Headspace and Calm but to no avail. To me they feel like you are just going through the motions since they are only utilising a calming voice, tranquil music and visualisation; nothing else. This is why the American self help programs, positive affirmations and mindfulness I have previously tried to get behind haven’t worked. They feel lacking in authenticity to me. It’s like having an artificial structure imposed onto your life but there is no content to sustain it. If you just have the bare bones of something it’s not going to be very useful. Very much like in languages if you can say hello, my name is, how are you and I’m good this does not make a conversation or a friendship. It’s just politeness that feels like progress as its relaxing you, but stops short of actually achieving anything.

Meditation is being commercialized in a big way right now but when that happens the very essence of what you are trying to accomplish is lost. This happens continuously because when you introduce money into these concepts they stop being about self actualisation and start becoming about income and nothing else. They lose their potency which is the very reason why you want to do them in the first place!

Religion is a bit like this too. As I’m learning more about the origins of the big religions and how they have changed over the years I seeing why people are losing faith in them. There becoming corrupted from there original goals. No wonder Americans study the bible in Greek. The King James Bible is so altered from the Greek or the Russian Orthodox version. I wouldn’t say I was religious at all but there are truths in these books. It’s why they have persisted for so long. It’s control but it’s also an understanding of human nature. We have not changed as a species so the same stories still help us through the centuries. The father, the son and the Holy Ghost is a recognition of the fact that we grow throughout our lives but there are still elements of the past within us while we anticipate and plan for the future. Our personality or soul, what makes us unique, can be carried on to future generations through our actions, words and tasks. Our legacy can live on even though we do not.

I really liked the Deepak Chopra 21 day meditation course I’ve just done. This is available for free on YouTube if you want to take part in it yourself and I highly recommend that you do this. There are other resources to go with these videos which I was provided with as part of a group exercise I took part in. I’m not sure just the meditation works on its own even though he uses chanting, mantras and visualisation techniques. This is where the difference comes in with competing regimes. Deepak Chopra is a world renown doctor of endocrinology and has researched what happens with the body/mind connection. Not many other people are that steeped in the knowledge required to do this properly and it certainly shows with the outcomes of these programs. I’ve got his latest book Meta Human to continue the progress I have started.

I’m deep thinking and highly empathetic which is slightly problematic when I want to talk to someone about this. Most people are not able to understand this in the way that I need them too. Most of the people that do however have much higher levels of emotional intelligence than I do so trigger me. While this is good to a certain extent being triggered by them all of the time means they are not for you.

So once again I have the dilemma of where do I fit in and will I ever find my tribe? Being an optimist is only good for so long. That’s why occasionally I do have a healthy dose of scepticism and pessimism. If I was accepting of everything and everyone all of the time; my brain would be so open it would fall out. You have to stand for something otherwise you will fall for anything. Principles and a moral code are extremely important here as standards do need to be respected and kept.

Life is a game of balancing the 2 sides of everything. You can’t truly experience anything if your only seeing one side whether this is through your own myopic view or that which has been created in your own country.

Triggers

These are all actions that are buried in our subconscious. They appear when the event occurs that triggers them. For me they relate back to my early childhood like I expect they do with most people.

Triggers however are not always bad. Just like panic, anxiety or even ‘nesting’ these behaviours illuminate some action that needs to be taken. I see it a lot in guys that have just had children. They were so driven to get their business/career up and running that when they finally meet the one it’s quite a change for them. They have to revolutionise their lives completely as they have to incorporate the thoughts of another into their actions. Then with the birth of their child comes more changes and they lose their drive some what. This is not a bad thing as family is the most important.

However, if they were raised in a patriarchal society and have managed to overcome this in there adult life when the child(ren) turn up those hidden beliefs are revealed. It’s much more difficult to heal yourself when you have a business to run, a partner to provide for and a child to look after. If you can look inside yourself and find time to reinvent yourself once again then that’s astonishing. Raising a child and doing it well is no small feat.

Childhood is the most important aspect of our lives as it affects everything else that comes afterwards. If we have had a rocky start then the foundation that our later lives are built on is always going to be unstable unless we put in major work to shore up those footings.

Meditation

This practice is needed most by those most resistant to actually taking it up. It’s the masculine side that needs balancing by the feminine side. Yoga groups are full of women taught by men. This seems a little odd to me. It’s been around a very long time so it’s been proven by the test of time. It’s a free practice that has been monetised to great success. As proven by Bikram Choundry on the Netflix program about his life.

Meditation is about accessing the 5 different brain waves that we have at our disposal. Alpha, beta, gamma, delta and theta. (Makes me wonder why no epsilon?) These brain waves are responsible for our thoughts and brain activities. They are different lengths and respond to the different levels of consciousness that we possess. If we are not able to use them all while me may get get sleep it will not be the restorative sleep that we require to wake up feeling relaxed, recharged and ready for the day ahead.

Meditation helps us to connect our minds with our bodies as often we think they are completely separate. There intimately entwined with each other more than we know. This is why our diet is so important. If we put bad food into ourselves we are polluting our bodies and therefore we can’t function properly. Our gut biome is our bodies way of keeping everything ticking over well. If we lose our appetite this tells us there is something wrong just like when we are sick or feeling nauseous.

Our skin is often the first indication that something isn’t right with our diet, environment or our mental health. It’s extraordinarily sensitive to everything that we experience on a daily basis. It’s our barrier between us and the outside world but we often don’t give it enough attention. Only when it is irritated do we look for a cause. This is often just the first symptom though.

We often need to look deeper into ourselves if we have constant problems with our nerves or we have other issues that cannot be easily explained. Our endocrine system (hormones) and our 2 nervous systems, sympathetic and parasympathetic can help with diagnosis here. Pain is a problem with inflammation and shows that something is out of balance. In order to eradicate this we need to look at what could possibly be causing it. This is tricky because it’s not well understood by western science. We have a scientific understanding but much like with languages; our initial information only literally describes its effects. We need to investigate the links present so a much more through journey is required.

Eastern medicine looks at things in terms of energy to see where it is, where it should be and how to get it to make that transition. It’s how Feng Sui works but this is a much maligned practice at the moment. Marie Do has tried to help with her tidying but only time will tell how much of an impact she has on this.

Yoga is about breathing and stretching which is a key part of eastern beliefs. Tai Chi is another that helps to promote peace and prosperity. Gentle exercise is essential to get your endorphins flowing just like being outside in the fresh air getting your vitamin D. Swimming has long been held as beneficial as well as the sea side.

Our ancestors knew that simple things such as writing our thoughts down in journals, painting or calligraphy is soothing to an anxious mind as well as being beautiful, walks in nature and discovering ourselves through careful observation of our reactions to things.

We have become majorly distracted from what is truly important in our lives and for the majority of us we didn’t have the time until now to change this. We need to use this opportunity before it is lost to us to create our lives exactly as we would want them to be. They have been stripped of all excess to allow us to notice what we really appreciate and need. We need a lot less than we think to live a good life.

This is why meditation is so important to continue this reset so we don’t lose the progress that is made in this break from what has become normality.

A bolt from the blue

I’ve been reading Musicophilia by Oliver Sacks and the case on the page just suddenly stood out to me. It was describing the severe amnesia of the patient. It said that while he was still able to read and play music on a whim along with talking about subjects that he was previously interested in; he couldn’t form any new memories. This meant that will he could dress, shave or navigate around his house but he was unable to describe what his wife did currently or even what she looked like. His children’s careers were a complete mystery to him.

This state never improved and it got me thinking that because I experienced this after my accident I have been labouring under the assumption that I could get my memories back. Some things have returned but what I really miss is my mathematical ability. However that is again me orientating myself in a career mind. Doing what I felt compelled to do in order to support myself. Since I didn’t learn maths, it was just there; I can’t pick it back up again.

Some things really are lost forever if the brain becomes damaged.

I think perhaps the reason I haven’t found my tribe yet is because I’ve been looking in completely the wrong places. I’ve been trying to mould myself to fit into a workplace, society even my husbands family. This lack of belonging affects your stability since your never quite sure how to behave. You don’t know what is acceptable as the goal posts change depending on which scenario you are in and which group you are in.

Eventually you break down as you can’t cope with all these different personas. The support you need to continue is still lacking but at least you have a much better idea of what you want and need out of life.

I need to follow the strong female role models of my family. The fact that I’m inherently masculine due to my autism means that this is a big problem. It affects the way that I carry out any task. There is always 2 ways of doing anything and neither side can agree on which is best. There is however no right way to do things. They just need to get done. However it’s never satisfying just completely a task for the sake of it. There is no pride or sense of accomplishment. Only another task finished and on to the next.

So therein lies the trouble. A desire from my feminine side to follow a more spiritual, hippyish path and my masculine side saying don’t be so foolish you need to earn money to be able to look after yourself!

Meditation reveals your true self

I think we all need a reboot from time to time. We forget who we are because we are so overloaded with electronic stimulus and an emotional onslaught from all of the baggage that is carried around by all those we come into contact with.

This affects us more than we realise. It lodges itself deep with our psyche waiting for a moment when we are not actively using our brains and then it is unleashed. We suddenly let go all the tension that has built up inside of us in a flurry of insults and possibly fists. The storm that was brewing rains down on all those around us at the moment regardless of guilt. If there are not people objects or animals suffer our wrath.

This is why we need to look after our mental health. We need to take time every day to look over the events of the day. This will allow us to see the cause and effect of not only our actions and words but the impact of others too. We will then be able to understand the point of view of others better.

We can stop perpetuating the damage of the past. We can create a new and better life for ourselves. We are able to alter our programming. We need to align our body and mind to how pure we were when we were younger. Our childhood selves were not motivated by money and greed.

We took walks, painted pictures, wrote in diaries or grew vegetables. We learnt to cook and to clean. We played sports. We appreciated nature but left it alone. We took parts in crafts and joined together with others to celebrate life. We danced and we talked. All these we forget as we age in the pursuit of money. Money makes the world go round; but we have survived quite well recently with it taking a backseat.

We should indulge in more activities where money is not the focus as we will find that our lives become richer because of it.

There are no shortcuts to success

If you want the best out of anything in life you have to work for it. I will expect you have heard that maxim many times in your life before. I most certainly have. However hearing a phrase and being able to action its content are too completely different things.

Being autistic means that I interpret and therefore process things very differently to others. I don’t have issues with hearing but instead understanding and comprehending the meaning that you are ascribing to that particular set of words that you have just used. Often it’s context specific. This is tricky as there is an infinite amount of scenarios in this situation. It’s tiring to try to figure out which one this is in a split second. The solution is to go for the most common but this frequently is wrong. Hence our inherent dislike of social situations of any kind.

This is a big problem as both work and play are populated by others. This also means that we lose out on so much. We have been given a respite though with Covid 19 as nobody is going anywhere. This is soon to change though as the economy cannot be stalled forever.

I have mostly enjoyed my quarantine time so far as it’s been very productive. First with my artwork, then my reading and writing but mostly my mental growth. This is something I have been trying to achieve for a long time. As this kind of work is often both groundbreaking and revolutionary in what it sets out to accomplish; it’s quite often lengthy and complex in nature and execution.

It’s also never finished even though I think I’m done since there is always something more to learn or discover about. Being a life long learner is a very good thing. Being curious is good in the right environment.

Success also means very different things to people. It’s not always financial. Sometimes it’s more to do with independence or what you have managed to provide for yourself or others. The feeling of empowerment when you have striven to be your very best and your rewarded for it is amazing. These rewards vary in nature but there personal significance doesn’t.

The Perils of Self Help Advice

Self help advice is all over the place. It comes in many forms and is freely available on many platforms. However, without knowing how to utilise any of it, it’s absolutely useless.

To explain this think of your questions being keys flying about in your brain. Then think of the answers which are within your body being keyholes. The trouble is they are both unlabelled so you have no chance of discovering which belongs where.

This is where we need to find a program that will allow us to identify and match the keys with their keyholes. This is where meditation comes in as it relaxes you enough to open up your mind. You already have a mapping system to enable you to do that but you need to dust it off to make use of it again.

For many centuries prayer was used as a means of figuring out our intentions. When we had voiced what we wanted to achieve then the universe could direct us to where we could find the knowledge, materials and people to complete such a task. This is the law of intention and desire as I’m learning about in my Buddhist meditation program.

I’m learning how to attract abundance into my life be it financial or otherwise. For while we become the qualities of those 5 people we spend the most time with; if you spend time with no-one this is what you are likely to become.

We are all capable of much more than we know but we restrict ourselves. We hang on to a lot of emotional baggage not only through our own lives and choices but absorbed from all those around us that have ever entered our lives. If we ask ourselves the right questions when meditating and journaling; then the answers will be delivered in a steady stream.

Just be aware the answers may come at awkward times where you struggle to process them and subsequently are not able to record them properly. However, you do have to trust the process. You can’t cheat by skipping out parts that make you feel uncomfortable as that means it’s doing its job. This is however a private process. Do not share your insights immediately if at all as you will be less honest. This needs complete transparency to work to the best of its ability.

Also, it may take the best part of a day to reveal its magic. If you haven’t engaged in it wholeheartedly, then it may not work at all. You have to decide for yourself whether you are willing to commit to this series of reprogramming techniques. It’s for your own benefit but you may not yet be ready to heal and grow.

When the student is ready the teacher will appear. Your circumstances may change though so that although the lessons are still equally valid; your perception of them changes radically. Growth is a rollercoaster so there will be steep drops into what seems like the abyss and there will also be times when you come to a complete standstill. This is normal as you are preparing for your next rise into a higher level of consciousness.

Reading and Autism

I love reading. This much is pretty obvious early on as I read so much hence I think I’m hyperlexic. I’m a highly visual person who can recite what they read parrot fashion for some time to come later on. This is a common attribute in autistics and is demonstrated by Clare Danes playing Temple Grandin in the movie about her. However, if you stop to ask why we read so much or why we like to read so much you might not get a cohesive answer if you receive anything other than I don’t know or I just do.

Yes reading is entertaining, diverting and occupies your time in a productive manner but also gives us something to talk about. We need to spend a lot of time recovering from the outside world so we escape into the world of literature. If we got out more we could talk about what we did or who we met like everyone else but we are solitary creatures often. Books are a refuge but they are also a substitute. Since the world is so overwhelming for us we choose to enter one that is much more calm. We can decide how long to stay there and when to leave. It gives a sense of control but also of adventure. We can visit many worlds, meeting all their inhabitants from the safety of an armchair.

Our knowledge is frequently ploughed back into fan fiction, comics, short stories, novels or even creating our own languages like Tolkien. We like words, well I do which is why I have spent so much time and effort concentrating on improving my verbal ability. Talking will never be easy for me so my conversational ability will forever be a struggle. I rely on my reading ability to provide me with something to talk about but it often doesn’t find a warm reception.

There is a lot of reading I have had to learn in addition to the book kind. The “reading between the lines” in social behaviour or documents. The forever unsaid, implied or just briefly referenced in some way by a gesture. There is also a new kind kind of reading as I’m learning.

In drag culture to ‘read’ a person is to notice their flaws. If ‘the library is open’ as Ru Paul says in every series of Drag Race; then you reveal what you really think about the person. This is often harsh but truthful yet comedic. It helps to be honest as then you can move on having aired your grievances without resorting to violence. Since they all spend so much time together it’s not wonder that problems crop up. There separation from the outside world creates an environment where everything is focused towards the end goal but not everyone plays ball. Willam is most famous for breaking out of his self imposed prison but nobody else has.

I am looking forward to breaking out of myself imposed prison due to the corona virus lockdown. Only about 6 weeks before I may be able to fly to Greece because they have announced their timetable. Here’s hoping that July really is my independence!

Autism and eye contact

Now everyone knows that autistic people are very bad at looking people in the eyes. There always distracted by looking at other things like moving objects or a particularly vivid picture. If we’re talking me, words are what catch my attention because I believe I’m hyperlexic like most autistic people.

I came across an article written by an autistic on WordPress looking for the differences between how Autistics perceive things in relation to everyone else. They were looking for an article which told them where nts focus there gaze but google came up blank. To resolve this conundrum they came up with a couple of pictures which indicated which an autistic was likely to look in comparison to where others usually focus. It was pattern/contrast based areas that mainly drew there attention. As it was a picture you couldn’t see things in motion.

The most interesting aspect however was that Autistics look in the middle of objects/people and others look at faces. This presents a problem. If you spend your whole life being focused on the middle of a person or things that move your more likely to be perceived as being hugely inappropriate. We are not but it does explain a lot of issues we have being naive, vulnerable and lacking in culturally appropriate social skills.

We some how can zone in on someone’s mojo to quote Austin Powers and that’s where our eyes go. The fact that this is just not done unless you want to sleep with the person doesn’t occur. We think that the vital energy can almost be seen and therefore needs our attention.

It’s hugely embarrassing to find out you have been staring at a person’s life force for a couple minutes as your just spacing out. There are so many things to absorb in the world so we try our best to cut out the unnecessary bits.

We know sex sells, it’s universal and for lots of people there most important feature is the size of their attributes. So we try to give them their due but due to our hyper focused nature we get a bit stuck on taking in all the details. We also happen to have the curiosity of a child with all its awe and wonder. Brilliant in teen porn but absolutely wrong in real life.

So our underdeveloped social brains get a hammering from repeating what is lauded in one context but shunned in another. Without many experiences we can’t tell the difference just like many words are wrong in certain areas but completely right in others. Ie a tailor has to pay a lot of attention to the fit of a person’s clothes leading to the always awkward inside leg measurement or take your trousers off now please. This can be doubly difficult as a lot of clothiers are gay and there is still a stigma towards this.

So next time you come across someone who you think is eyeing you up; consider a few alternative perspectives first. They may just be intrigued by your sense of style, hair, makeup or maybe they have never seen anyone like you before. Our emotions and thoughts are usually at the surface and on display to all if we are happy but most have learnt to conceal otherwise and this is painful. Respect what holds our interest and you will find a whole new way of thinking, living and being.

Meditation revelations

Today I have been flooded by a barrage of emotions.It started last night, led to a disturbed night sleep and is still continuing. When you ask the universe for clarity at the start of the year and you start doing a meditation regime to increase the abundance in your life you better be prepared for the floodgates to open.

I watched a video on YouTube recently about dopamine addiction so I once again started to lessen my use of technology which has now lead to me losing my phone. This happens on a regular basis and as my mother frequently said during my childhood, “You would lose your head if it wasn’t on your shoulders”. The other comment of “You would be late to your own funeral” is having a rest right now as were not going anywhere but it’s still equally true due to the fact anxiety is ever present in my life from my highly sensitive nature.

It’s amazing what your parents know about your own abilities and qualities that you don’t realise yourself until many years later. I’m terrible at anything requiring balance hence skiing, using a Segway, skateboard, roller skates etc. I’m also bad at sequencing things hence cooking, chess, poker, etc. This is also why I have no ability to be a self starter, I’m bad at sales as I’m not persuasive enough just irritating and I have no marketing skills as that just social skills dressed up with lots of communication which tires me easily.

I’m good at 2 things, maths as that was an innate talent that my butterfly mind was somehow focused on with the assistance of my dad when I was 6 as before that I was bad. This is no longer the case after my accident which destroyed my natural talent but I still have that systematic mindset. It means I’m still attracted to this area but can’t actually do anything with this interest which is constantly infuriating. I’m also into words, literature and languages through the influence of both of my parents as you might know if you’ve ever come across this blog or me before. However, due to my autism I both learn ridiculous amounts and cannot communicate this to anyone as I get tired so quickly. The unclaimed emotional baggage of others is exhausting.

I do wonder whether my absent mindedness, lack of balance, executive dysfunction etc were all present before my accident but due to lack of funding they were not discovered. My mum might might have been ignored as a pushy parent but she was trying as hard as she possibly could for my entire childhood and adolescence to get the help I needed and it just wasn’t there. I have suffered from a lack of purpose in my life so far as I haven’t found anything that I can do since hurdles keep presenting themselves. If you’ve ever seen me running or jumping you will know that inverted hips, knees and a metal plate in your leg lead to some funny consequences. Along with the knowledge you have no clue what your body is doing.

Learning languages with autism

I have long wondered how is it that I have dedicated countless hours over the years to this task yet I’m still unable to speak?

I know it’s possible as I can do it in a pinch and I have written about the methods which have allowed many others to do just that.

It turns out that since I’m reticent to speak in English, it applies to all languages and has nothing to do with my intellectual ability at all. I can learn a language, any language and enjoy it. I just don’t like speaking.

Since most conversations are inane repeats of what has been said previously I don’t join in. The point that they are therapy and checking up on people to make sure they are mentally well as well as physically has escaped me until recently. I am entirely capable of talking especially about special interests but my conversational skills right now have descended to word play games with my father in law.

Yesterday I was trying to say to my husband in Greek that since he had got a baked bean stuck in his throat (he had baked beans on toast for his lunch) he wouldn’t be ordering them when he got back to Greece. Mia fazoula parakalo (polite and I enunciated it wrong) but then his dad joined in with strawberries fraoula since it’s a similar word and he was waxing lyrical (mountain strawberries like I have in Greece) about them yesterday dinner time. We ended with me saying that a frauoula was a little German housewife thereby mixing German with Greek which might considered a bit of a heresy considering the history involved here.

A short history of the effect of British culture on its people

This is actually a mindset of emotional repression caused by the inherent class system which uses alcohol and a trip to the pub as it’s let off valve. The sports of Football and boxing are also used by men to let off steam, with cricket traditionally being played by gentlemen and rugby being the sport for gentlemen but played by ruffians. Tennis was a much more genteel sport with polo, croquet or bowls definitely for the upper classes as they had time to indulge in leisure activities. Racing whether it be horses or dogs was for lower class gentlemen just like darts is today. Even this delineation smacks of the true division that is still ever present in our society. These are all masculine activities those are women were expected to be barefoot and pregnant as the saying went.

The self deprecating attitude traditionally associated with the English is perplexing to foreigners. We are always putting ourselves down, thinking we are not good enough. We are always complaining amongst ourselves but never to those in authority as we don’t wish to upset the apple cart. We can’t have ideas above our station after all.

We are always queuing waiting for our turn quietly obeying the laws of the land but we are also always gossiping about others who dare to do something different. It is such a scandal when someone does something that doesn’t fit with the status quo. Those that dare to be different though make the most of there lives by breaking out of the stuffy container that we have made for ourselves.

Lord Byron, Oscar Wilde, the Bloomsbury group, the Pre Raphealites these were all people who were bohemian that believed the world could be a better place through art and music. They lived a hedonistic lifestyle but they could afford too as they were commonly part of the landed gentry. They could afford to live eccentric lifestyles travelling abroad and living in grand houses attended by many servants. This is harking back to Roman times but more often I think it was a nod to a romantic notion that we all in the UK entertain about life in Ancient Greece. If you think about it we are still ruled over by an Anglo Greek alliance through Queen Elizabeth and Prince Philip.

So in a way you could say we are all striving for something better in our lives while remaining exactly where we are as we have internalised the fact that the class we were born into is the one we will die in. If we achieve a meteoric rise some how then we are frequently brought back down to Earth again abruptly like Anne Boleyn was only not quite so dramatically.

The crab bucket effect is very much part of our lives along with the keeping up with the Jones idea. For those who are not English this is the constant fight to maintain the appearance that you are a heterosexual married couple who are middle class with a good job, car, well maintained house with 2 well behaved children. This idea is a complete fallacy but it’s what we all learn from our environment as what we need to aspire to. If we have not managed to achieve this by age 30 we are somehow incomplete and there is something wrong with us.

With this break from normalcy we should all new values to creep in to replace the old ones which didn’t serve us. You may have noticed that all of the individuals I mentioned earlier were not only artists but engaged in different sexual identities. There gender representation was also different from the norm. This has been so against what society has said was acceptable for so long that we have lost some of our greatest minds like Alan Turing through this ignorance. We need to allow all forms of expression for we are all human at the end of the day. If we are much kinder and welcoming of those that present differently, think how much creativity and intellect will be saved. We will be living in a better world for all concerned.